The Cost of Love

There have been some recent posts from family members about grief and loss and loosing. Heavy stuff. But very good. I am not afraid to cry. I am open with my emotions. Like my mother, I wear my heart on my sleeve. It gets banged-up sometimes and then I feel like putting it away in my secret hiding place. Scott always reminds me to leave it out. I am a velveteen rabbit and I become more real with the wear that comes with being loved, in all of it's forms
My sister Terri inherited quite a bit of Grandma LeMond's hand-stitched linens. When she got married she started to use them and someone questioned this decision. Wouldn't it be better to keep them in a drawer and save them? Her reply was to the affect "These things were meant to be used, not saved. I want to make use of them and that will make them more meaningful." I agree with her, but like so many of us I fear the loss, or the "ruining" of things. I am this way, with non-things like people and dogs. My dog is old. He pretty much lives in the garage. He often leaves a mess on the garage floor. He gets up slowly and can't hear very well which makes parking the car difficult and sometimes entertaining. He has been at the pound at least twice and I have been to court because of him once. He eats bees. His one trick is a combination of all of the tricks we've attempted to teach him. It looks like someone hit him with a tranquilizer dart. He sits, lays down and rolls over in one fluid motion.He has logged an impressive list of chewed-up items in his life, including my prom dress a hunting vest Scott inherited from his grandfather and my left hand.. Sometimes he is difficult to love. But I scratch him behind the ears everyday, especially lately, and I stop breathing when I can't tell if he is.
People get old and fragile- but definitely not in that order. Grandma McClellan (my last grandparent on any side) is dying from internal bleeding. This started while we were in Oregon.
Scott gave her a blessing which was sweet and comforting.

Suddenly I am the one that is fragile.

This has happened in many forms lately. In reflecting on the curve balls that have been thrown my way in a few months worth of "ball games" I was wondering. Did I strike out? Hit a few fouls? Maybe even get hit by the ball? Like the grief of loosing, whether it be a person or just a part of them, continuing to Really live takes great courage. As that recently made famous song says "It's the climb." Maybe, no probably, I hit some fouls, struck out and got hit by the ball when I didn't pay attention. But, guess what? I was at the plate and I was swinging. Isn't that what it is really all about. Doing your best, even when your best means your team still won't win. Because it Really Is about how you played the game.
I honestly like movies that have a sad ending, but I definitely don't want to watch one every night. One of my favorites, Shadowlands, is based on a book that is based on a stage play about the real-life romance and tragedy of C.S. Lewis and Joy Gresham. Last year at this time I was reading that book and going through a few big changes.
The author places Lewis at his desk at the close of the book, reflecting, perhaps writing his journal which would become, "A Grief Observed." Here is what he wrote:

"Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore, only the life I've lived. Twice in that life, I've been given a choice, as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety. The man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."
It is not pleasant to consider choosing suffering, but safety is no option at the cost of love.
A version of the following quote is on a plaque in my home. It is attributed to Mother Teresa
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

I will keep swinging at those curve balls.